


i love you/i love you too: a study

by cougarlips



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x10 spoilers, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mid Season Finale Spoilers, Minor Character Death, POV Third Person, Relationship Study, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 08:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cougarlips/pseuds/cougarlips
Summary: Alec pushed past the throng of people making their way inside the institute and took a moment to breathe in the fresh morning air, but his head was already up, eyes scanning the faces around him because he still needed to find Magnus, and if he did make it out, if he did get away, then he would be outside, right? He would be seeing to the other Downworlders, offering condolences, offering comfort, offering anything he could offer.It made his stomach churn when he looked around but didn’t see him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> major spoilers for the season 2 midseason finale (episode 2x10 "by the light of dawn") so if you haven't seen that??????? don't yell at me omg
> 
> there's also a reference to alec's suicide attempt in 2x08 ("love is a devil"), so please stay safe.

_Magnus, Magnus, Magnus, Magnus, Magnus_ \--

The name circled his mind and it was all he could think, all he could process. It pushed him through the institute as he lifted dead bodies, turned them over, saw faces of people he knew, faces he would never see again, people who grew colder and colder by the minute, some dead by Valentine’s hand but others by Madzie, small, young, innocent Madzie who just wanted her Nana.

Desperation marked his every movement. His hands trembled. His chest heaved. Every room he searched, every body he moved, every flash at the corner of his eye wore him down even further than the anxiety. His adrenaline began waning and he was crashing, falling hard and fast and it was all he could do to keep breathing, to keep busy, to keep focused, to not think about Magnus lying cold, dead, face down --

He forced himself to stop. He needed to breathe, and the steady stillness of the institute air did him no favors. He needed to collect himself, because if Magnus _were_ gone….

Alec pushed past the throng of people making their way inside the institute and took a moment to breathe in the fresh morning air, but his head was already up, eyes scanning the faces around him because he still needed to find Magnus, and if he _did_ make it out, if he _did_ get away, then he would be outside, right? He would be seeing to the other Downworlders, offering condolences, offering comfort, offering anything he could offer.

It made his stomach churn when he looked around but didn’t see him.

He tried not to think about the fact that he didn’t know if Magnus had changed, what he was wearing, what makeup he wore, or what jewelry he decorated himself with.

He tried not to think about the last time he saw Magnus, with venom on his tongue and fire in his veins, his knuckles bloodied and raw with Isabelle dragging along behind him.

He whipped around at the fingers that curled around his bicep, only registering for a split second the worried expression on Magnus’s face before he launched towards him, pulling him into his arms, holding him as tightly as he could. All of a sudden it felt like he could breathe again. He nestled his face into Magnus’s shoulder and soaked him in, but too soon Magnus pulled away, though his hands lingered on Alec’s elbows, his eyes earnest, tender, anxious, caring all in one.

“Magnus, I thought--” the words stumbled out, but Magnus shook his head, trying to placate Alec’s unrest.

“I found Madzie,” he said quickly. “I got her out just in time -- I took her to Catarina’s. She’s _safe_ ,” and he raised his eyebrows, urging him to understand, to _know_.

But Alec shook his head, looking down, trying to navigate the rocky turmoil of his mind. The words spilled out of his mouth as they came to him. “Look,” he began, “Magnus, on every mission I’ve ever been on I’ve never felt that type of fear before. _Ever_. Not knowing if you were alive or dead… I….”

He paused and looked up, desperate to get Magnus to understand, but Magnus just stood there, his face set in a determined neutrality, and while Alec thought he could get a read on Magnus’s emotions better than most here he felt lost, and he took a trembling breath. “I was terrified,” he continued anxiously.

It was here that Alec saw the crack in Magnus’s careful expression and Magnus reached out, his fingers curling around Alec’s bicep tenderly. “So was I,” he admitted.

Alec’s breathing picked up but he fought his nervousness and anxiety, instead focused on the hand on his arm and Magnus’s soft expression in front of him. “Magnus, I…. I love you,” he finally said, and it took all of his willpower to meet his eyes, to not duck his head or look to the ground or stare at his hands as he was wont to do.

His heart stuttered when Magnus gave him the barest of a head shake and an inkling of a smile. “I love you, too,” he said simply, tone surprised and shocked but there was no hesitation, no pause to consider if he did or not. It was like it was just on the tip of his tongue and he was just waiting for Alec to realize it first, to say it himself, and it was that thought that propelled Alec forward, to pull Magnus in with one hand on his shoulder and the other around his waist, to crash their lips together because he _needed_ it, needed _them_ , needed that closeness and that contact.

Magnus had a hand against the small of Alec’s back and the other closing in on his waist when Alec pulled away but he didn’t go far because even an inch between them was too much and Alec still felt like he was reeling after spending so many hours searching dead bodies for his lover’s corpse. He could feel it begin to wear him down, could feel the exhaustion and his own stubbornness battle it out inside his bones and it felt like too much, he was shaking and he felt like only minutes from falling or passing out but he needed Magnus still.

Neither of them could honestly count how long they stood there, foreheads pressed together and noses brushing, breathing each other in like it was the most natural thing in the world. Alec felt like he was trying to sap some of Magnus’s composure because somehow he still stood strong and sure where Alec felt like a mess, but he didn’t see when he shut his eyes the way Magnus opened his and smiled with tears threatening to slip down his cheeks.

The second time they pulled away it was only to go back in for a second hug, and Alec almost wanted to apologize for how tightly he held onto Magnus, but once he had his arms around him and his face pressed against his shoulder all apologies were lost. He smelled what was left of Magnus’s cologne, and it struck him that it had only been twenty four hours since they stood together on the loft’s balcony and discussed Iris's spell’s effect on Alec himself and Magnus’s devastation at thinking he could lose Alec so soon.

Rings pressed firmly into Alec’s shoulder blades where Magnus held tightly to Alec himself, and at the sensation of Magnus running soothing circles into his shoulder Alec finally let himself stop thinking.

**Author's Note:**

> my shadowhunters blog is [@battlemagnus](http://battlemagnus.tumblr.com) and i'm ready to cry over this scene literally any second of the day just hmu


End file.
